Again Beneath You
by Bina
Summary: Originally was going to be a short post 'Beneath You' fic, now has turned into much more. Chapter 7 is now up and takes place after "Selfless"! R&R!!!!!
1. Part One: Post Beneath You

Disclaimer: Blah..blah..I don't own Buffy or Spike or any of the other characters of any other show. Though I'm sure thats sorta obvious.  
  
Authors Note: This is my very first fan fic ever, so if your going to review...which I wouldn't mind, be gentle. Any grammar mistakes I blame on the fact that its late, though I did proof read this quite a bit. Anyways, this takes place right after Beneath You ended....so there are a few spoilers I guess.  
  
  
".....Can we rest?"  
  
Though Buffy heard those last few words clearly the whole world seemed a blur. Everything was blended together, her tears; those four simple words that were running through her mind, Spike has a soul; and the smell of scorching flesh.   
  
Out of all those things combined it was the smell that dragged her out of the stupor she was in. As quickly as she could, Buffy crossed the space between her and Spike and pulled him off the cross in one swift movement. Now that she was facing him she saw the pain clearly showing in his eyes. Those once beautiful blue eyes seemed now more of a dull gray.  
  
The stench of burnt flesh was still heavy in the air around them, and Buffy glanced down at the burns covering him. She let out a small sigh of relief to see that the smell was worse then the wound really was, and she knew that the burns would quickly heal. Buffy wished she could say the same for the emotional wounds, but she knew that they would take years to heal...if they ever would.  
  
Buffy was silent for a few moments, trying to figure out what to say when Spike started speaking incoherently again. "Pain...so much....voices..trying to...I'm trying...."   
  
Buffy squeezed her eyes shut and silently let the tears flow as Spike continued speaking. She didn't know what to think of this situation. Spike had his soul back, and Buffy always thought that would be a good thing. She never imagined that it would affect him in this way, and briefly wondered if Angel was anything like this what he first got cursed with his soul. The difference here is though that Spike wasn't cursed, it was apparently willingly. He did it because of her; for her.  
  
"NO! I WONT LET YOU!" Buffy jumped slightly as Spike's yelling brought her out of her thoughts. He looked like a wild animal trapped in a cage, his eyes darting back and forth. He seemed to be trembling uncontrollably now, saying over and over again, "I won't let you hurt her...I won't...I won't"  
  
Buffy felt so useless just standing there watching him in pain, but she didn't know what to do. "Spike.." She started saying softly, and immediately gained his attention.  
  
"Buffy, luv...I won't let him hurt you, I promise...I won't...." Spike said and tears started to run down his face.  
  
"You won't let who hurt me, Spike?"  
  
"The evil...the one from beneath you." Buffy tried to stop herself from sighing in frustration...she already knew this! She took a few deep breathes trying to calm herself down, knowing she wouldn't be getting any useful information out of Spike tonight.  
  
"I know Spike, I know you wont let them hurt me. I believe you now." Buffy very slowly raised her hand up to Spike's face and ran it down his cheek. He closed his eyes and seemed to lean into her touch, before letting out a soft sigh.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said so quietly she could hardly hear him. She was about to ask why when he continued, speaking even more softly. "I know it hurt you when I touched you...the flashlight. Sorry...I know, sorry isn't going to make anything better. I could say sorry to every single person who's haunting me, and it still wouldn't be better. I just want you know Buffy, that I am..."  
  
Buffy smiled ever so slightly at his sincerity. "I know you are. In my own way I've already forgiven you. You just have to understand that it'll take me awhile...probably a long time to trust you. I'm still trying to understand what's happening, with this new evil and your soul."  
  
"I know, luv. I'll help you fight this." He said before letting out a bitter laugh. "Look at me, I've gotten as bad as the poof."  
  
Buffy decided to ignore that last comment and thought how weird it was that she and Spike were having a half decent conversation, without them trying to kill each other. "When's the last time you slept?" She asked, suddenly realizing that he looked completely exhausted.  
  
"Huh?" Spike looked confused. "I'm actually not sure...haven't been sleeping well...the voices...they won't allow me to."  
  
Buffy sighed at knew she would regret this in the morning, or maybe even in the middle of the night, but she decided to do it anyway. "You want to stay at my house tonight? There's a cot in the basement...maybe you'll actually get some sleep."  
  
"I don't know..." He trailed off, and he really didn't. Dawn certainly didn't seem very happy to see him, not that he could blame her and he knew that Buffy would most likely not like this decision later.  
  
"Just for tonight, tomorrow we'll find you someplace else to stay." She said, trying to convince him. Buffy had no idea why she was even inviting him to stay. Then again she never knew or could decide anything when it came to Spike. She saw Spike nod slowly, and she knew he was reluctant to agree. He too knew she would never be able to decide, and she suddenly found herself wondering if she would ever get a parade with trombones....  
  
  
A/N: For anyone who didn't undersatnd the last line...remember OMWF when Spike said that when she does figure out what she wants there would be a parade...with trombones. Remember again...this is my first attemp at writing fan fiction, so review...but be gentle. 


	2. Welcome back

Disclaimer: Still don't own 'em  
  
Author's Notes: I was planning on leaving this with only having one chapter....but people wanted to me to continue...sooo I did. This chapter is mainly Spike/dawn friendship-ish centered and a bit of Buffy/Spike fluff...just a bit. Anyways, on with it. Oh, and tell me what you think once again.  
  
"Wait here," Buffy told Spike as they came in through the back door into the kitchen.  
  
Spike nodded, twitching a bit nervously. Just then Buffy remembered what Spike had said earlier about Dawn being scary, and she wondered just what her little sister said to him. She didn't allow herself to linger on that thought though and she quickly made her way through the living room and up the stairs to see if Dawn was still up.  
  
"Dawnie?" Buffy asked, knocking of the door before slightly opening it. "You still awake?"  
  
"Yeah Buffy, come on in..I just finished my math homework," she said emphasizing the word homework. Buffy went into her sister's room and sat on the bed. "So, what happened with the underground demony thing?" Dawn asked.  
  
"Oh the usual...actually, it really wasn't the usual. Big giant worm guy, who actually was literally a guy. One of Anya's vengeance spells. Well to keep it short she reversed the spell."  
  
"Sorry I missed it, but I had to stay home to do *homework*."  
  
Buffy smiled at her sister, but then remembered why she had come up here. "I actually want to talk to you about Spike." She said, completely facing Dawn now.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me he was back?" Dawn demanded angrily. She thought things had changed over the summer, and that Buffy would tell her when these important things happened.  
  
Buffy sighed, "I'm sorry Dawn, but when I first saw him I didn't know what to think..I mean he wasn't exactly sane."  
  
"Huh?" Dawn asked a bit confused. "He seemed fine to me earlier."  
  
"He was...well sort of. I have a suspicion that it was just an act to make him seem like a 'normal' person."  
  
"What are you getting at?" Dawn asked, beginning to get a bit impatient.  
  
Buffy took a deep breath before saying as quickly as she could, "Spike has a soul and he got it because of me."  
  
"Spike has a soul?" Dawn repeated as slowly as possible, "and he got it because of you?"  
  
"Yeah...I'm a bit hazy on the details of how but he got it because he..." Buffy paused, not knowing if she should be telling her sister this.  
  
"Because of what?"  
  
"Because he wanted to give me what I deserved, he got it for me...."  
  
"For you?" Dawn asked, not quite understanding this.  
  
Buffy nodded. "I don't exactly know everything either. Trying to have a regular conversation with him right now is a bit difficult."  
  
"So where is he now?"  
  
"In the kitchen." Buffy replied, uncertain of what her sister's reaction would be. "I told him he could stay here just for tonight...in the basement."  
  
Dawn took a deep breath, trying to take this all in. "Can I go see him?"  
  
"If you want, sure." Dawn smiled slightly and left her room without another word, quickly heading downstairs with Buffy right behind her.  
***  
  
As both sisters entered the kitchen Spike was quietly mumbling to himself. "Spike?" Dawn asked, trying to get his attention.  
  
Spike jumped, seeming a bit startled by Dawn's voice. "Dawn..." he said nervously, not allowing himself to make eye contact with her. Dawn had to admit that she was a bit startled at Spike's ragged appearance, but pretended she didn't notice anything different.   
  
"Not that I don't find it kind of cool to actually being able to intimidate someone," Dawn started to say, before turning to look at Buffy who sat down and was now watching them intently, "but I don't want you to be scared of me...I know that you have a soul now." Spike quickly raised his head and looked at her questioningly, but still didn't say anything.  
  
Seeing his look Dawn explained, "Buffy told me. But that's not the point. I just wanted to say that you don't actually have to be afraid of me, you know....killing you at night." At hearing this it was Buffy's turn to look at her sister, but she was also glad to hear that she cared enough about her to threaten a vampire, certainly when she didn't know he had a soul yet.  
  
"What I'm trying to get to here," Dawn continued, "is that while it may take awhile for everyone to fully trust you again, I believe that your going to do good and that you wont harm anyone. At least, I'd like to believe that, and I hope you don't prove me wrong." Dawn paused, taking a deep breath and glancing between Buffy and Spike. Both of them looked pretty speechless at what Dawn had to say.  
  
"Welcome back, Spike." Dawn finally said, walking over to Spike and wrapping her arms around his waist in a hug.  
  
"Thank you Dawn." Spike said, his voice thick with emotion and tears running down his face. "I can promise you, and you know that I never usually break a promise, that I will try to do good and try not to harm anyone--physically or emotionally."  
  
Those two stood there for another few seconds before Buffy interrupted them. "Dawn, its late. I think its about time you head to bed."   
  
Dawn let out an overly dramatic sigh, but agreed anyways. "Night you two." She said before making her way to her room.  
  
"She really has grown up alot," Spike said a few moments after Dawn left.  
  
"Yeah, I know. She still surprises me everyday."  
  
"I meant what I said to Dawn...the promise."  
  
"I know you did. But come on...you should be getting some rest as well." Spike nodded, knowing that if he didn't sleep soon he would sure pass out from exhaustion.  
***  
  
About an hour later Buffy was getting up off the couch about to go to bed and get some sleep herself. She was going to go to bed when she got Spike settled in, but there were to many thoughts going through her mind. She wasn't quite regretting inviting Spike to stay, but she still hasn't decided how she felt about it.  
  
Buffy sighed, giving up trying to figure it out. She turned off the light and started to make her way up the stairs when she heard a small whimpering sound. It didn't take her long to figure out it was coming from the basement, and was probably Spike having a nightmare. She sighed again and made her way to the basement, turning on a small, dim light.  
  
As she approached the cot where Spike was sleeping she could see him tossing and turning, a look of pain etched into his features. Before she knew what she was doing she kneeled next to the bed and began running her hands through his hair.  
  
"Shh...Spike, its okay." Buffy said soothingly, relieved to see him calm down a bit at her touch. She put her head down on the bed wanting only to rest her head for a few minutes until Spike completely calmed down. She must have been more tired then she thought, because she dozed off after mumbling, "Welcome home, Spike."  
  
  
A/N: Once again, tell me what you think. Should I continue on some more? 


	3. The Next Morning

Disclaimer: As usual, don't own 'em....  
  
Author's Note: Glad to hear you guys all like this...here's the next chapter and please review once again.   
  
  
  
Spike slowly opened his eyes before everything that happened the night before came flowing back to him. The pain suddenly hit him like a bag of bricks, and he was about to sit up when he noticed Buffy. She was sleeping soundly, still kneeling next to the bed, her head almost next to his and her arm across his chest. Spike smiled at the sight of this, but was wondering why she was here. He breathed deeply taking in her scent, and knew that he still loved her as much as ever. He also knew that she would probably never love him, but he had more of a chance now than he had ever before.  
  
Spike listened closely, hearing noises from upstairs. "Buffy, luv." He said quietly, as not to startle her. "I think you should be getting up now." He hated to wake her up, but knew that she should be probably be getting Dawn to school.  
  
"Hmm?" Buffy mumbled, still half a sleep before all of a sudden raising her head as quickly as possible. "Spike, what are you doing here?" She asked, before remembering that she came down here last night and must have fallen asleep.  
  
"I was wondering the same thing about you."  
  
Buffy blushed slightly and stood up. "You were um..having a nightmare last night. And I came to...you know..uh..check on you." She stuttered. "I must have....fallen asleep."  
  
"I didn't know you cared, Slayer." Spike said, a sly smile crossing his face.  
  
"I don't!" She replied quickly. "I just uh..didn't want you waking up Dawn. Speaking of Dawn, I have to get her to school and me to work."  
  
"Don't worry, its still early." Then Spike realized something. "You have another job?"  
  
"Uh..yeah. I'm sort of a councelor at the new Sunnydale High."  
  
"Thats great," Spike replied before grimicing. A sudden pain went through his body and the 'voices' began again. "No...not again..please." He begged.  
  
"Spike? What is it?" Buffy asked, actual concern showing on her face.  
  
"Nothing," he said shaking his head. "Just the side affects of having a soul coming back."  
  
Buffy nodded, understanding. "I have to go get ready to leave. I want you to stay here for the rest of the day...not that you really have much of a choice. Get some more rest. When I get off work I'll head over to the butcher and get some blood for you. Its looks like you haven't eaten in awhile."  
  
Spike nodded thankfully and Buffy started to make her way up the stairs. She stopped before she reached the top and turned back to face Spike, "We'll decide where your going to stay later when I get back. I'm also going to try to explain things to Xander," she sighed, "I'm sure he'll take this all real well."  
  
"Alright," he replied not really knowing what else to say. Buffy then made her way out of the basement, and immediately ran into Dawn.  
  
"So thats where you've been, huh?" Dawn asked, grinning.  
  
"I have to go shower," she replied, ignoring Dawn's comment. "Go make yourself some cereal or something. Oh, and if Xander gets here while I'm showering...don't tell him about Spike. I'll tell him later."  
  
Dawn shrugged, "alright"  
***  
  
Buffy got out of the shower and made her way into her room to get dressed. She didn't know how she could have fallen asleep and have Spike catch her there. She sighed, also not knowing where Spike was going to go after today. The affects of his soul..the voices seemed to still be haunting him, so she couldn't just put him in some crypt and let the demon community find out that not only does he have a chip, but now he has a soul as well.  
  
Buffy's mind kept on wandering as she got dressed in a pair of black pants and a tan tank top. She decided that she would talk to Xander in the car, after Dawn went off to class. She had to admit though, she wasn't sure what she would say to him, everyone knew that Xander hated Spike more than anyone.  
  
After putting her hair up in a black clip and keeping her make-up to a minimal, she made her way back downstairs into the kitchen where Dawn and Xander were sitting.  
  
"Morning Buff," Xander said, looking up from the comics he was reading in the newspaper.  
  
"Morning," she replied, pouring herself some orange juice and making toast. She had to smile at Xander sitting there dressed all sophisticated and reading the comics. Some things never change.  
  
"So, where did you run off to last night?" Xander asked suspiciously.  
  
"Um...nowhere, I just forgot about something." Buffy said hoping Xander would keep quiet for now, and just ask questions later. She didn't want to get into this right now, not with Spike sleeping in the basement.  
  
Xander didn't believe her, but he did keep quiet vowing that he would talk to her about whatever was happening later. "We should probably get going."   
***  
  
"Bye Dawn, I'll see you after school," Buffy said to her sister as she left the car to make her way into the school.  
  
Dawn looked at her with curious eyes, and Buffy nodded at her unspoken question. She was going to talk to Xander. "Alright, bye you guys. Thanks for the ride, Xander."  
  
"No problem, bye Dawn."  
  
When Dawn was out of sight Buffy turned to Xander and took a deep breath, "we need to talk." She paused before continuing, "I didn't exactly tell the truth when I told you why I ran off last night."  
  
"Yeah, I kind of figured."   
  
"I was really going after Spike," Buffy paused, seeing Xander's expression. "Now before you say anything let me explain. Why I went after him isn't as important as what I found out when I did. He has a soul, Xander."  
  
Xander just stared at her, shocked and speechless before he burst out laughing.  
  
"I'm serious."  
  
"No, you can't be," he said convinced that it wasn't true. "He was acting pretty soulness last night."  
  
"Acting being the key word there. Just trust me on this...I know what I saw and I know what I heard. Spike has a soul."  
  
"But why, how?" Xander asked still in disbelief.  
  
"I can tell you why, but I can't tell you how." Buffy replied, "the reason he got it is because of me."  
  
At hearing this Xander started laughing again. "What, does he think that he comes back with a soul and you'll all of a sudden forgive him for all he's done and fall in love with him?"  
  
"I don't know what he thought, but I don't think it was that. I really believe he just wants to help."  
  
"Right, just like he just wanted to help before." Xander said sarcastically. "Why don't you just stake him? I mean you DO still hate him....right?"   
  
Buffy shook her head. "I don't know how I feel about him...but I just can't hate him."  
  
"But he tried to rape you!" Xander exlaimed angrily.  
  
"And he didn't succeed. I don't think that will be happening again anyways. The guilt is eating away at him, Xander. He hears voices almost all the time. And he just drapped himself over a cross last night. You weren't there, but I was. I saw his pain..."  
  
Xander sighed and took a deep breath to calm himself down. "What do you expect me to do?"  
  
"Nothing. I'm not expecting you to do anything. I'm not going to all of a sudden expect you to be nice to him, or to accept him. I just want you to be mature about this. Please, Xander. Do it for me?" Buffy asked, really hoping Xander would do this for her.  
  
"Alright, Buffy...but I'm only doing this for you and no other reason. But if he ever does hurt you again I swear I'll kill him."  
  
Buffy nodded. "Fair enough."  
  
  
A/N: Tell me what you think once again. Also, I promise the next chapter will have a bit more Buffy/Spike interaction and will most likely be a bit longer. I just wanted to get this chapter posted. 


	4. Here to stay

Disclaimer: Still not mine, all Joss'.  
  
Authors Note: I know I said this would be a longer chapter...BUT I got a grand idea. I decided that I'd post this today, and I'll post again after Tuesday nights eppie. Alright, here's my idea. The part after this one will take place right after the next episode..exept with some minor ajustments, as in Spike getting along with Buffy and living in her house, ect...did that make any sense at all? If it did, tell me what you think of my idea. Should I do it, or just end this story after this chapter?  
  
  
Buffy unlocked her door and made her way into her house. Everything was quiet so she figured that Spike was probably still asleep. She put down the blood that she got from the butchers and sat down to relax for a few minutes. Work was a bit more eventful today, but she still had time to think. She thought that she had figured out what she would do with Spike, but she had to talk to him about it first. Luckily Buffy had plenty of time to do that without anyone interupting. Dawn was over at a friends house and Xander probably wouldn't be over tonight. He was obviously not very happy when she told him that Spike stayed over night, but he kept his mouth shut.  
  
Buffy yawned before standing up. She got a mug from the cupboard and poured the blood into it, before putting it in the microwave for a bit. As she was waiting her thoughts once again wandered back to Spike, and she didn't know if what she decided was the right thing to do. It felt right, but sometimes thats not all that mattered.   
  
The beeping of the microwave brought her out of her thoughts and she wrinkled her nose at the smell of warm blood as she carried it downstairs into the basement. Buffy silently made her way down the stairs and smiled as she saw Spike. He looked so innocent asleep, so very innocent. She went and quietly sat down on the cot, before running her hand through his hair and down his face.  
  
"Spike?" Buffy asked, trying to wake him up.  
  
Spike jumped at the sound of Buffy's voice, "bloody hell, don't scare me like that!"  
  
"Uh..sorry." She smiled timidly. "I got you some...well here." she said, holding out the cup to him.  
  
Spike sat up shaking his head a bit and took the mug. "Thanks, pet." he said before sipping the warm blood.  
  
"There's more upstairs if you want more." Buffy paused. "Did you get enough rest?"  
  
Spike shrugged, "I guess. The nightmares...they're always there. Sshhh.....I know....I can't rest....its always there...always."   
  
Buffy stared at Spike as he started to babble again. His eyes glazed over and she knew he wasn't talking to her. "Spike, look at me." She commanded harshly.  
  
His eyes immediately hooked onto her, and she softened her voice. "You need to drink," she said gesturing to the mug.  
  
Spike nodded and began to drink. Buffy sat patiently for a few moments until he finished. "We need to talk, about well...you."  
  
"Right," he said standing up. "I'm sure you want me out of here as soon as possible." He turned and faced the wall so Buffy wouldn't see the pained look across his face. He knew it was to good to be true, Buffy would never care about him.  
  
"Sit." Buffy commanded pointing to where he was sitting before. Spike sheepishly did as she asked, keeping his head down, and Buffy stood up and began to pace back and forth.  
  
"I've done a whole lot of thinking today. I decided that you couldn't go and live in a crypt again because in your condition the demon community is bound to find out that you have a soul. They still dislike you for killing your own kind anyways, and I'm sure having a soul wouldn't go that great with them." She took a deep breath before facing Spike and continuing. "I've decided that the best thing would be if you stay here, atleast for awhile."  
  
Spike looked completly speechless. Only one thought running through his head: Buffy wants me to stay....  
  
  
A/N: This would be the end of Part 1....well unless you guys hate my idea, which in that case this will be the end in general. So once again, tell me what you think. This time of my idea...should I end it here or coninue right where the next episode ends with my own modifications? 


	5. Part 2: Post Same Time, Same Place

Disclaimer: Yup, you guessed it..not mine.  
  
Author's notes: This takes place right after "Same time, Same place". Some things are just changed as is Spike was still living with Buffy ect...For the purpose of this fic its a Saturday...and well..just read it, it'll all make sense. This chapter deals mainly with Buffy/Willow friendship and a bit of Spike/Buffy fluff at the end. Once again R&R!  
  
  
  
As Buffy took Willow's hands she internally smiled. She really was happy to have her back, and was glad she could help her heal her physical wounds because, like Spike, Willow would have to deal with her emotional wounds mostly on her own. A few minutes after sitting there she began weaken just slightly, and at that point Buffy just let her mind calm and her thoughts drift to nothing.  
  
Buffy snapped out of her trance as Willow pulled her hands away. She felt slighty tired and glanced over to the clock. Almost 11 am... "Wow, that was almost an hour?" Buffy wondered aloud, "didn't feel that long."  
  
"Its usually like that...I didn't take too much, did I?" Willow asked, concern evident on her face.  
  
Buffy smiled in reassurance. "Don't worry Will, I'm fine. How are you feeling now?"  
  
"A bit better, there's not as much pain atleast. I should be healed in a few days." Willow said before smirking a bit, "I can definitely say though, that almost getting eaten was not what I had planned for my first day back home."  
  
"Just out of plain curiosity, what were planning on doing your first day back?"  
  
Willow shrugged, "I'm not really sure. I do want to know what I missed over the summer though."  
  
Buffy's face lit up a bit at the thought of being able to gossip to her friend, until she realized that not much actually happened. "Not much really. Dawn's been helping out a bit on patrol and such and she's actually doing pretty good. The High School has been rebuilt and this time it seems that the principles office has been built right over the Hellmouth."  
  
"Do you think he's..." Willow left the sentence unfinished.  
  
Buffy shook her head. "I don't think so, he seems pretty normal not to mention nice...he actually gave me a job!" She exclaimed happily.  
  
"Really? Doing what?"  
  
"Working as a counselor. I get to help out the troubled teens."  
  
"That's really great," Willow said sincerely.  
  
"Yeah, I know. And its only three million times better than working at the Doublemeat Palace." Buffy replied, thinking of what else she could tell Willow. "Xander's now this big shot construction guy, and actually made quite a bit of money over the summer working on the school. You already know about Spike being all soulful and now living here."  
  
"So how did Xander take all that?"  
  
"The soulful part or the living here part?"  
  
"Both."  
  
"He actually laughed and didn't believe me at first when I told him Spike had a soul, and he's definitely not very happy about him living here."  
  
"Thats sort of understandable," Willow said, "he is still a vampire and all. I know this is also none of my business with my just getting here and all, but why are you letting him stay?"  
  
Buffy sighed, "now that really is a long story...but I couldn't just let him go back to living under the school, and living in a crypt wouldn't be safe in the state of mind he's in...you've seen how unstable he is."  
  
"Yeah, I have." Willow said while yawning.  
  
"Why don't you get some rest Wills?"  
  
"I guess I should, I didn't get much sleep last night because of the pain...but since it feel better now, thanks to you, I should probably try to get some sleep."  
  
Buffy smiled and hugged her friend, before leaving the room so Willow could get some rest.  
  
It didn't take to long for her to lay down and begin to doze off, but plenty of time for her to think. It was really hard actually thinking that her friends didn't want her and that she was all alone, actually, it was more than just really hard. Willow was unbelievably happy now knowing that they did still want her, even after all she had done.  
***  
  
  
Buffy quietly made her way downstairs, so she wouldn't interrupt Willow.  
  
"Hey Dawn," Buffy said going into the living room. "You can stop researching now...Willow told me why we couldn't see her and why she couldn't see us." Dawn looked at her, waiting for her to continue. "Willow said that she wasn't sure if she was ready to see us, so she subconsciously cast a spell."  
  
"I guess that explains it," Dawn said, now turning away from the labtop.  
  
Buffy flopped down onto the couch sighing slightly.  
  
"Whats wrong?" Dawn asked, walking over and sitting down next to her sister.  
  
"I'm not sure. But I do know that today being Saturday and all I'll just relax."  
  
"Isn't that sort of a contradiction? Generally Slayer and relax never goes together."  
  
"I know, and its so true. I can't really stop thinking of this huge evil to come. I mean we have no clue at all of what it could be," Buffy frowned.  
  
"Spike still hasn't given any clues?"  
  
"No. Whenever I ask him he's all, 'It comes from beneath you' or 'From beneath you it devours.' Thats all I can get out of him."  
  
Spike decided to enter the living room at that time. He walked in from the kitchen holding a mug of what appeared to be blood, and was once again talking to himself.  
  
"Sorry...sorry...I know I should have. What can I do....please, what?"  
  
Buffy curiously looked over to Dawn and she shrugged helplessly. "He's been doing that on and off for quite some time now. We would be having a semi-normal conversation and all of a sudden he'll be off in his own world again."  
  
Buffy watched as Spike drained the mug and put it on the side table before continuing to babble. "Please, please, no...Its alright, see? But still...I could have...but no...no stopping it."  
  
"Spike what are you talking about?" Buffy asked him.  
  
Spike didn't seem to hear her though and just kept on pacing back and forth, talking to himself.   
  
Buffy walked up to him, took his face in both her hands and forced him to look at her. "Spike," she said more softly this time, "what are you talking about?"  
  
Spike took a step back from her, out of her reach. He was silent for a few moments, focusing on actually making a proper sentance. "I could have prevented what happened to Red....I could have," he paused. "If only I would have stayed with you after leading you to the cave. But no, I just left like the uncaring monster I am."  
  
"Spike, your not uncaring and you know it. There was no way you could have known what was to happen."  
  
"She's right, you know." Dawn chimed in.  
  
Spike shook his head. "I don't know, I don't know anything any more. I could be almost normal one second and then it all comes back again..." he trailed off.  
  
"Ho about the three of us watch a movie?" Dawn asked, thinking that maybe it would get Spike's mind off of everything.  
  
Buffy smiled, "that would be a great idea, what do you say Spike?"  
  
Spike shrugged, "I guess we could do that."  
***  
  
  
After about twenty minutes they finally decided on a movie.   
  
"I can't believe I let you choose Bring It On," Buffy grumbled, though she was the one that bought it for Dawn awhile ago.  
  
"Well its the least you could do, I mean I did get paralized..not to mention you let Anya put me in that stupid sitting position."  
  
Buffy smiled, "well it was sort of funny."  
  
The teenager glared at her sister before pressing the play button and sitting down next to Spike, causing him to be in the middle of the two girls.  
  
"By the way Spike....how come your not sleeping? Isn't that what vampires do during the day?" Buffy asked.  
  
"I can't sleep...the nightmares are always there. I actually haven't been able to sleep properly since...the first night I stayed here."  
  
Buffy kept silent to Spike's reply, knowing why he slept that first night. Her touch seemed to calm him into a dreamless sleep.  
***  
  
  
About half way through the movie Buffy noticed that Spike fell asleep half lying on her shoulder, and smiled. Atleast he could actually get some sleep now.......   
  
  
  
  
A/N: So, what did you think? I tried to make it longer and still post tonight...so give me your opinions.... 


	6. Part 3: Post Help

Disclaimer: Still NOT mine!   
  
A/N: Sorry this chapter was posted so late, I didn't have any...inspiration for awhile. This "part" only has one chapter to it...and thats this one. It takes place right after "Help" (the living room scene) but for the purpose of this story all the previous things I have written about also happened..so just pretend some of the things in the episode have been altered.  
  
  
  
  
"She'll tell you, someday. She'll tell you." Spike kept mumbling that line over and over again, trying as hard as he possibly could to decifer its meaning. Lying down on the cot he sighed.Just staring blanky at the ceiling before he began talking again.  
  
"What could it mean? What could it BLOODY well mean? Obviously the girl was talking about Buffy. There was no one else that would tell me anything. NO! I'm a bad, bad man! I don't deserve to be told anything! But...what if I did, what would she tell me? That she forgives me? No, I can't ever be forgiven. I did horrible things. Killed those....those...poor...I KNOW! Sshhh...I know, they were all innocent. Poor innocents....Why would anyone ever even bother to forgive a monster like me? She most certainly won't be telling me that.....she loves me, will she?"   
  
Spike paused then and began laughing hysterically. "Ha! If only! Damn bloody....wonderful slayer....how could she love me?" He shook his head, "No...that just couldn't be...no no no no no no. They all tell me...tell me I don't deserve love. I deserve nothing but hatered. Buffy...she...she..hasn't been treating me like she hates me. Could she love me? Is that what she'll tell me one day? She'll tell you, someday. She'll tell you. Thats what the girl said..." He trailed off, tuning his ears to what sounded like crying coming from upstairs.  
  
Spike stood up and slowly, quietly, as so no one would hear him, began to walk up the stairs. When he got to the top he opened the door and peeked out. From where he was positioned he couldn't see the living room, so he had to decide whether to really go through that door, or not. Maybe they all didn't want them there, and they would get upset. Spike then wondered who 'they' was, who was all here?   
  
He finally made up his mind, he wanted to see why there was crying. What was there to be upset about, he saved the girl. The thought of the girl, Cassie he remembered Buffy calling her, made him think of what she said again. When was someday anyways? Could it be today? Tomorrow? Or would it take many years for it to finally be someday?   
  
Spike shook his head as to try to clear it. He had to keep his thoughts properly together...atleast for now. Cautiously, he walked into the living room, expecting at any moment to be thrown out. The scene before him, if anything, confused him more. They were all there, all besides the demon girl. That wasn't what confused him though. Buffy, Dawn and Willow did all live here, and Xander came by often.   
  
What confused him was why they were all sitting there, almost in a circle...all of them looking so depressed. Spike just stood there in the doorway, waiting for someone to acknowledge him.  
  
Buffy and Dawn both looked up and saw Spike at the same time. They quickly glanced at each other and composed themselves, before speaking both at the same time:  
  
"Hey, Spike..."  
  
Spike nodded in greeting, still wondering what was going on.   
  
"Well if it isn't the Bleached Wonder, now also known as Soulboy Jr." Xander said in his usual taunting way. Truthfully he didn't even know why he kept up with the taunting. It was boring lately, for the fact that Spike never fought back. Like right now he was just standing there, looking concerned. It still bothered Xander how he could just come back and everyone would treat him differently. Like he didn't do any of those evil things that he did.....  
  
"What happened?" Spike asked softly.  
  
"Nothing." Buffy smiled, "everythings just fine." They all decided earlier that they wouldn't tell Spike what happened. He would probably just find a way to blame himself, even though he did save her. It was her heart that killed her.  
  
Spike didn't buy a word of what she said. Of course something happened, and it was obviously something they didn't want him to know. Why?  
  
"Buffy, I know something happened. Why won't you tell me?" He asked her.  
  
Spike looked around the room. Everyone seemed to be looking at anything but him, something had to have happened.  
  
Buffy let out a deep sigh. She should have known she couldn't keep anything from Spike. Not that they all tried very hard, and Buffy guessed that was because they all knew Spike would find out. Some way or another. She glanced around the room, before turning her attention back on Spike.  
  
"Well...you see, remember the girl, Cassie? She well..died."  
  
"What?" Spike asked, feeling himself falling apart once again. "I saved the girl...the girl was okay..she was okay..."  
  
It really pained Dawn to see Spike hurt like this, and she would have done anything to make up pain stop at that point. "It wasn't your fault. You did save her...she died a bit later of heart failure. It ran in the family....it wasn't you."  
  
Spike didn't seem to hear her though. "I didn't save the girl..she died...died...died........"  
  
Dawn looked helplessly at the rest of them.  
  
"Hey, look...I should probably get going." Xander said, really not wanting to deal with the insane vampire right now.  
  
Buffy nodded, understanding Xander's position. He may have been semi-tolerant towards Spike, but that was only because she wanted him to. She didn't really expect him to help. "Alright, I'll see you in the morning then. Dawn, you should probably get to your homework..."  
  
"Okay, okay. Willow, wanna help me with English?" Dawn asked, deciding that Buffy should be alone with Spike.  
  
Willow smiled, "sure Dawnie. I'm an english wiz...atleast I think I still am..." She trailed off, following Dawn upstairs to her room.  
~~  
  
  
"Spike, you know you didn't kill her..trust me." Buffy said when everyone left.  
  
"Trust you? Well I should trust you, shouldn't I? You are the slayer..but the voices...the voices say I did kill her...murdered her...let her just DIE!"  
  
Buffy shook her head, "but you didn't Spike...you didn't, please believe me."  
  
Spike saw the desperate look in Buffy's eyes, and thought that if he did kill her why would Buffy say that he didn't.....  
  
"But she still died...how can she just die...after..after I saved her?"  
  
Buffy felt her eyes begin to water again. "I don't know...thats what I was wondering too. What do you do when you just can't save them. Like Cassie or...mom."  
  
Spike saw the pain in Buffy's eyes when she mentioned her Joyce. He could tell it was still hard for her sometimes, being the slayer but not being able to save everyone.   
  
"It's alright, luv." He said, bringing himself together for her. Must be strong for his slayer. He slowly, timidly approached her, not sure how she would react to his closeness.  
  
Buffy then did something neither of them ever would have expected. She hugged him and cried..........  
  
  
  
A/N: Alright the next part should be up soon...after tomorrows episode. Please review once again! I live for reviews and they inspire me to write! 


	7. Part 4: Post Selfless

Disclaimer: What do you think? Well if you think I own anything..then your wrong. Everyone belongs to Joss and Co, oh and the song "Adia" belongs to Sarah Mclachan. I just used it.  
  
Authors Note: As usual, this takes place after the last episode, "Selfless". I was pretty depressed after that episode, and pretty pissed at the "nice" Buffy really being a hullucination. grr. Anywho, this whole chapter is pretty much pure fluffness. I needed to write something to make me feel better. Enjoy!! And PLEEEAAASSE review.   
  
  
  
  
  
Buffy had millions of thoughts running through her head as she entered her home. She was relieved that Anya was alright, that she didn't have to complete her duty as a Slayer, and kill her. She really hoped Xander could now work things out with her, so they both didn't have to be so miserable all the time.  
  
Buffy yawned loudly and made her way into the kitchen, flicking on a few lights on the way. She figured Dawn and Willow must have been asleep, since it was already almost midnight. After she checked to make sure all of the frat boys were alive, she called and told Willow that everything was okay. Then she just wandered around town, dusting a few vamps. It gave her plenty of time to think, which wasn't always a good thing. Buffy hated what she almost had to do with Anya. She was tired of always having to go through the pain of seeing her friends turn 'evil' and her having to almost kill them. The upside was that Anya was going to be okay now. Atleast after she deals with the guilt of all she's done, and getting Halfrek killed.  
  
Yawning again, Buffy grabbed an apple and sat down while taking a bite. Spike has been going through her mind quite a bit lately as well. In a way she missed the old, sort of playful and cocky Spike. She just hated seeing him go through all that pain, though she knew he probably would get through it okay in the end. Angel did, didn't he?   
  
She was also confused to how she felt about the newly souled vampire. She knew she didn't have much of a reason to hate him anymore. She used to be able to claim to hate him because he was evil and killed who knows how many people, but that excuse didn't work anymore. Spike hasn't killed anyone in probably over 3 years now, Willow and Anya had killed more people than him recently and she forgave them both.  
  
Buffy snapped herself out of her thoughts and got up to throw the apple core into the garbage. She knew thats she should be getting to bed, but she didn't feel tired. There were just to many things going through her mind. She would just have to find something she could occupy herself with. As she was trying to decide what she could do at this hour she didn't realize that Spike had come up from the basement.  
  
"Buffy?" He asked softly.  
  
Buffy jumped at the sound of his voice, not expecting anyone to be up now.   
  
"Hi Spike." Buffy turned around to face him.  
  
"Heard Red talking on the phone...Anya okay?" Spike sounded concerened.  
  
Buffy suddenly felt a pang of jealously, her mind going back to the Spike and Anya incident of earlier that year. She shook her head, what reason did she have to be jealous, anyways?   
  
"Yeah, Anya's okay...atleast she will be."  
  
Spike nodded. "Sorry, I'm probably bothering you, I'll go back down-"  
  
"Your not bothering me." Buffy said, cutting him off. "I was just trying to think of something to do, I'm not really tired."  
  
"Oh." He looked like he was going to say something else, but just left it at that.  
  
Buffy stood and just looked at Spike for a few moments. He looked so vunerable, like an abused puppy. Nothing like he used to look. Spike used to just ooze confidence, like he was all that, but not anymore. She wondered if she could do anything to get a bit of the old Spike back, to make him not hurt as much. Maybe to make him laugh or atleast smile. She hasn't even seen his sly smirk lately. If only she could make him feel better...atleast just for a few moments.   
  
"Come on," Buffy got an idea. Probably not the best idea, but maybe it would help.  
  
Spike look confused, but obediently followed Buffy through the kitchen and up the stairs. He flinched as they walked past the bathroom, and Buffy knew he still wan't ready to go in there yet. She hasn't even tried to get him to go in. Whenever there was need to clean Spike up her and Dawn would do it in the kitchen. They've been using the kitchen sink to wash his hair, and he never once protested, seemingly relieved to not have to go into that room.  
  
Once they got there, Buffy opened the door to her room and turned on the light.  
  
"What are we doing here?" Spike asked, finally speaking.  
  
"Well, I was thinking we could listen to some music. You like music, don't you?" Buffy asked gently. She knew it was probably a stupid idea, but music made her feel better at times. Buffy then found herself wondering why she was being so nice at the moment, and she guessed it was because of all that happened recently. She couldn't help Cassie, and she couldn't really help Anya, but maybe she could help Spike.  
  
"I guess..." Spike trailed off, standing in the middle of Buffy's room stiffly, wanting to make sure that he didn't touch anything.  
  
Buffy walked over to her CD's and wondered just what she would put on. Hmm...Sarah Mclachlan?  
  
"You can sit down, you know." Buffy said, motioning towards her bed and placing the CD in her CD player.  
  
Spike hesitantly complied and sat down, just as stiffly as he was standing, on her bed. Buffy pressed play and changed it to the right song.  
  
Adia I do believe I failed you  
Adia I know I let you down  
don't you know I tried so hard  
to love you in my way  
it's easy let it go...  
  
Buffy went and sat down beside Spike on the bed, she didn't really know why she chose this song, she just had always loved it. She looked over at Spike, and saw that he cocked his head slighty to the left, listening to the music.  
  
Adia I'm empty since you left me  
trying to find a way to carry on  
I search myself and everyone  
to see where we went wrong  
  
As Spike listened to the song he slowly felt the tension flow away from his body. There was just something about this song, and the fact that Buffy was sitting next to him. She cautiously moved her hand towards him and ran it through his hair.   
  
'Cause there's no one left to finger  
there's no one here to blame  
there's no one left to talk to honey  
and there ain't no one to buy our innocence  
'cause we are born innocent  
believe me Adia, we are still innocent  
it's easy, we all falter  
does it matter?  
  
Spike leaned in to her touch and all the voices suddenly disappeared. He didn't know how Buffy was able to do that, but whenever she came near him, or touched him all the voices were quiet. Buffy looked over again at Spike who was seemingly in a trance, sitting there contently listening to the song.  
  
Adia I thought we could make it  
but I know I can't change the way you feel  
I leave you with your misery  
a friend who won't betray  
I pull you from your tower  
I take away your pain  
and show you all the beauty you possess  
if you'd only let yourself believe that  
we are born innocent  
believe me Adia, we are still innocent  
it's easy, we all falter, does it matter?  
believe me Adia, we are still innocent  
'cause we are born innocent  
Adia we are still  
it's easy, we all falter ... but does it matter?  
  
As the song ended Spike looked over to Buffy.   
  
"Are..are we really all innocent? Even bad, bad men like me?"  
  
Buffy nodded, "in some way every one of us is still as innocent as we once were."  
  
"No, no, no! I'm not! I'm bad and awful and I hurt the girl. I..I..hurt the girl."  
  
"Spike, you haven't hurt me in quite some time. You've been very good." Buffy felt silly talking to Spike like he was a little child, but she wanted to get through to him. Make him understand. "Remember those lines from the song we just listened to?" She asked, before quoting the music "I take away your pain and show you all the beauty you possess, if only you let yourself believe that we are all innocent."  
  
Spike nodded, he did remember. But how could he still be innocent after all he's done? Maybe..just maybe if he did believe...he should believe her, shouldn't he? The girl wouldn't lie to him..not now. Trying to help, she was. Slayer's trying to help..but why? Why help a bad man?   
  
Buffy could tell he was having a conversation within himself. Maybe he was trying to decide if she was telling him the truth.  
  
"Please, Spike. Trust me." Buffy pleaded.  
  
"Okay, I'll trust the girl...but...can we listen to that song again?"   
  
Buffy smiled, maybe she was getting through to him. "Of course, but only if you lay down. You look tired."  
  
"Here?" Spike asked, staring at her in disbelief.  
  
"Of course. You can't listen to the song if you go back downstairs." Buffy went over to her CD player and turned back on the song, this time making sure it would be on repeat.  
  
Spike slowly, and very carefully lied down on Buffy's bed. His eyes fluttering shut as the music started again.  
  
"Goodnight, Spike." Buffy said softly, looking down at him. She knew he would be asleep in a matter of minutes.  
  
"G'night, pet." he mumbled sleepily and then added, "love you."  
  
Buffy froze at hearing him say that. He still loved her. After everything. She took a deep breath and walked over the window making sure the curtains were properly shut, so Spike wouldn't catch on fire in the morning.  
She then went to turn off the light, but froze to look at over at the sleeping vampire. He really did look innocent in his sleep. Buffy smiled and walked over to him, leaning over and planting a soft kiss on his cheek.  
  
At this Spike began purring, something Buffy had never heard him do. She knew she had accomplished on making his pain go away atleast for now and she finally saw a faint smile on his lips...........  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Yup, writing this did make me feel a bit better. Hope you liked it. I live for your guys' reviews, so please review! I'll love you all forever if you do... 


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